What
Not to Say
by
Sarah MacLaughlin
reviewed
by Aunt Annie
A
few weeks ago I was asked if I was willing to review this e-book on
my blog. Well you know me- I love to write about childcare, and any
excuse will do!- so I popped over to Sarah MacLaughlin's blog at http://sarahsbalancingact.blogspot.com.au/ to test the water and see if her views were compatible with mine
before agreeing.
Given
that Sarah's philosophy is so similar to my own, I had fairly high
expectations of 'What Not to Say', and I haven't been disappointed.
For example, the quote that opens the book encapsulates exactly why I
started my own blog:
Let’s
raise children who don’t have to recover from their childhoods.
-Pam
Leo
As
I've said many a time, the secret to a healthy relationship with our
children often lies not in what 'method' we use, but in how much
we're prepared to work on ourselves. It's way
too
easy to pass on the collateral damage that's been done to us as we
grew up, without even realising we're doing it. And that is really
what Sarah MacLaughlin's eBook is all about. No blame, no shame, but
many words of wisdom to contemplate.
If
we take the time to think about it, some of the things we say to our
children are insensitive at best, and counterproductive at worst- not
because we're actually
trying
to make things worse, of course, but because we're tired and
stressed, we're surrounded by 'advice' which makes us doubt our
judgment, and we've been programmed by our own personal histories to
recycle mantras which are, um, less
than useful.
MacLaughlin's aim in this book is to help parents and early childhood
educators to identify and replace some of the more useless knee-jerk
responses that spring to our lips when children challenge us.
Consider
the following:
Because
I said so.
Don’t
even think
about
it.
Good
job!
And
my own particular un-favourite, often overused with gifted children,
Show
Grandpa how you can count to ten.
Do
any of those sound familiar? Do you still say those things, and maybe
even hang on to your right to say them like grim death, justifying
them as 'normal' things to say to a child? This book will join the
dots for you between statements like that and unresponsive or
undesirable behaviour from your child.
Along
the way, MacLaughlin refers to many of the behaviour management
strategies that I have found very effective, such as reframing,
narration and acknowledging emotions. She also addresses the
importance of clear, age-appropriate communication, and shares my
dislike of patronising children through baby talk and the
sugar-coating of difficult truths.
All
in all, it's a book full of what I call 'uncommon common sense'. At
first glance it may appear to be just about the right words to say,
but in fact it's more than that; it's a spot-on parenting
communication manual for those who'd like their child NOT to need
therapy as an adult.
As
an added bonus, many challenging situations have been linked by the
author to matching children's books. These can be used to encourage
open discussion with children about their more difficult behaviours.
That just makes me want to clap my hands in glee- it's exactly how
I'd approach behaviour problems within an early childhood classroom.
Stories are a wonderful way of allowing children to dissect and
discover new ways of coping with their emotions.
Yes,
there were a few moments in the book where I paused and thought,
“Well, that's not exactly how I'd do it,” or “I'd have to watch
my tone of voice when I said that.” But I agree with almost
everything Sarah MacLaughlin says, and I'd definitely mention this
e-book as a resource for anyone who wants to understand the
relationship between what comes out of our mouths and how a child
responds.
Highly
recommended. You can buy it right here:
http://www.amazon.com/What-Not-Say-Talking-Children/dp/0965469425/
-for a very reasonable $US12.
(PS: No, I wasn't paid for this review- my opinion is not for sale!)
(PS: No, I wasn't paid for this review- my opinion is not for sale!)
Special Giveaway!
Please comment on this post about using or not using your words with your child, so that you can enter to win an ebook copy of What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children, in the format of your choice: PDF, epub, or Kindle format. Sarah will be giving away one copy at each blog stop and will announce it on the comments of this post tomorrow. (Other stops during this Blog Tour are listed on Sarah's blog here:http://sarahsbalancingact.
Also, be sure to enter at Sarah's site (http://sarahsbalancingact.
The post is very nicely written and it contains many useful facts. I am happy to find your distinguished way of writing the post. Now you make it easy for me to understand and implement. Thanks for sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the compliment! And I'm glad you enjoyed the post.
DeleteThere are many sayings we heard as children that I believe are confusing ,can crush self esteme and worse jeopardize our safety. One that I think I did like the most is "children should be seen and not heard" I was fortunate to have been raised to be heard and as a very important part of my mums life ! If you wanted her around you you got her three wonderful children too! I am raising my children in exactly the same way . This book sounds just as I feel I have been raised and how I am trying to raise my own children. I do believe often these words are spoken from stress and tiredness and I believe if only we would lessen our wants in life we would not need to work so much and we would be able to enjoy our children giving them the real time needed to support their healthy development physically and mentally!
ReplyDeleteElyce
I thank my lucky stars too that I was brought up to be 'heard', Elyce. To dehumanise children like this is to crush their potential.
DeleteAnd I totally agree that stress and fatigue are major causes of saying many of the catchphrases Sarah mentions. Only the other day, in a moment of exhaustion, I caught myself saying "Because I said so!!" and then of course I had to backtrack and explain myself. Taking care of our own needs is a vital part of being a good parent or caregiver.
"Good job!" is unfortunately an automated response I still tend to overuse in my work with young children. Having worked in childcare for over 20 years, positve response has been something that has been drilled into us as educators. What I am realising now is the shallowness of the response...it is a tired and easy to use response that actually says nothing at all. I am now aware everytime that I am about to use it, stop myself and (tired or not) think of something a little more constuctive to say. "Wow look how many of those blocks you helped pack away!" Yes, it's a slow process to break old habits, but the response from a young child when they are truly acknowledged for what they are doing is well worth the effort!
ReplyDeleteHaha- thank you Lisa for your self-awareness and reflective practice!!!
DeleteIn my years as a casual worker I have visited many centres, and I can assure you that the 'good job' knee-jerk is overused everywhere I go. I think if we can get into the habit of physically getting down to the child's level before praising them, it's so much easier to find a personal, targetted comment instead of the generic one. It certainly helps me to make the interaction 'real'.
How much do we tell young kids? Do we tell them some of the awful things happened to other kids for safety's sake? Do we tell them why they should be prepared for major catastrophes? Or do we let them be blissfully unaware of the horrible things that could happen, and foster their sense of security in the world? A little of both, I suppose. rogstar@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteLook, you have to remember to work within the child's experience and personal frame, Rogstad. Telling horror stories just frightens then rather than teaching them. You can teach protective behaviour in positive ways rather than relying on scare tactics. The chance of something terrible happening to any individual child in our very safe Western world is tiny- they are more likely to be seriously injured in a car accident than to be abducted, for example. So in answer to your question, I'm all for teaching proactive behaviour strategies but against telling horror stories which are hard to keep in context when you're very young.
DeleteIf something terrible happens within the family, however, such as a parent becoming terminally ill, I believe children have a right to be told the truth in age-appropriate terms. Sarah deals with euphemisms in the e-book- for example, telling a child that a pet has been 'put to sleep' is not helpful. A child easily senses bad things in the atmosphere because they are more used to reading body language to compensate for limited understanding of spoken language. I believe it's cruel to leave a child wondering what's going on when everyone around them is obviously stressed, upset or angry; the unknown is usually worse than the truth.
I cringe when I use the 'because I said so'...it usually pops out after 23 'why' questions followed by careful answers...then I realise they aren't going to end, the shoes/pants/socks aren't getting put on, so out it comes.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's weakness is 'good job'. His parents use it to a ridiculous extreme and it drives me nuts when he imitates them. I remember sitting at a table with them in a restaurant when we were about 20 years old and they were praising us up for EATING. "It's so great to see you guys eating well, you're doing so great. Good job". So I can understand why my husband struggles with the meaningless praise, it's how he was raised. It didn't do him any favours so I just need to gently point it out occasionally and he makes an effort.
That being said I struggle to get the balance right with praise too, as I came from the opposite type of family to my husband. You had to work bloody hard for praise and it wasn't always guaranteed. I remember presenting a year 8 report card with 7 A's and a B and the first words out my mum's mouth were "what did you get the B for?" (English of course! Bane of my existence). When my mark for my computer programming subject didn't come up in the paper in my first year of uni (they don't print unless you get a pass or higher) my dad's first words were "you failed a subject". Never mind that I got High Distinctions in the other 4 subjects. Of course in my usual show of intelligence I had forgotten to write my name on my exam so my mark was withheld until I got it sorted out. I got 50/50.
We want to bring our daughter up somewhere in the middle of the two extremes, it's just a challenge that we could use some assistance with!
Obviously you'll have to modify the email address slightly...
anna01 (at) g m a i l . com
Anna, I will admit at this point that I used to own a sweatshirt that said 'Because I'm the mum, THAT'S WHY!' And so I really do understand how 'because I said so' comes out. The brighter the child, the more unanswerable questions they'll insert before doing what you want/need them to do. Sadly, it's not a helpful phrase!
DeleteSounds like both you and your husband have had some challenges to overcome. At least you're aware of them, which is half the battle.
Looking forward to reading this book! My daughter is seven months and it's been an interesting journey of hearing the phrases i say un- or semi-consciously, and then beginning to un layer what's underneath. Appreciate the insightful parenting blogs out there including this one. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank YOU, Jasmine Rose! It's so good that you're becoming aware of your own language patterns at this early stage. You are already way ahead!
DeleteSeems like an interesting to get my hand and mind on. The title itself represent unique thinking which hopefully would provide a new perspective to me. Would try to look for this book in the library.
ReplyDeleteAAAAND the winner of the free e-book is... ANNA! Thanks to all who participated.
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ReplyDelete