On not being a Wicked Stepmother

At least two of my friends are suffering from a bad case of Wicked Stepmother syndrome at the moment.  Loving their partner means trying to welcome his children from a previous relationship, and despite their best efforts, the children are being spiky and difficult.

These new step-mums are trying, really they are.  But I think that of all the difficult parenting gigs that are out there, becoming a stepmother to children who are no longer babes in arms can be one of the most challenging.

New step-mums are up against so many obstacles, and they have such a lot of learning to do.  Here are some of the questions to which they have to seek answers, in the face of sometimes daunting hostility.

Modelling happiness: broken families

In this blog I've stressed the need to be authentic, the need to be respectful and the need to model the behaviour you want your child to copy. It all sounds amazingly easy when you're sitting in a chair reading it. Parenthood in action, however, is a very different experience- especially when the parenting relationship is in crisis.

Fighting with your ex- a child's view

I'm not very good at ending relationships. Most of us aren't. I know what it is to feel deeply hurt, disappointed, broken-hearted, emotionally bruised, what it's like to have my innermost hopes, my self-esteem and my sense of justice trampled on. I know that both parties will usually feel equally overpowering emotions. I also know how easily these feelings translate into a red-hot, uncontrolled boil-over when you see each other.



Well, red-hot rage might be thoroughly understandable in those circumstances, but when there are children in the line of fire be very careful. It's so tempting to mentally enlist them into your army, based only on your own anger and hurt. It's way too easy to misinterpret what they say and do on the home battlefield when you have a personal agenda.



Let me tell you a true story from my life. Call it a cautionary tale.

Don't drown in your child's gene pool

New parents have so many hopes and dreams about what their child will be like, but the reality of bringing up a little human can be crushing at times. We may hope to raise a leader of men, a sports star or a brilliant student- someone with all the best features of the people we admire most- and yet one day we find ourselves staring at a child who resembles nothing so much as a small replica of the partner we divorced so bitterly, or our dissolute Uncle Bruce, or-worse still- someone who combines all our own worst features with none of our coping mechanisms.  It's a hard moment for a parent.