Sibling bullies

Parenting is a tightrope to walk. I know that. It's so hard not to fall off one side or the other of that thinnest of thin lines- into over-regulation, or into permissiveness- even when you're trying your hardest.

But sometimes I see the chaos caused by well-meaning parents who misinterpret where the line is, and my heart bleeds for the kids, and I have to say something. LOUDLY. Today I'm saying something, LOUDLY, because yet again I've seen a child in pain when parents thought they were doing the right thing.

See, there's lots been said about how we shouldn't intervene too much between siblings. Let them sort it out. Don't force the relationship.  And I agree with that, within reason.

But let me show you what can happen when that approach gets taken too far. It's not pretty.

Why I won't do Hallowe'en

I've just been reading a great post by Janet Lansbury about how we can help children take ownership of their art by backing off ourselves.  Couldn't agree more.

But it was centred around the American festival of Hallowe'en, and that made me reflect on my strong distaste for that celebration on the last day of October. A lot of people assume that I'm just anti-American, or something.  But that's not it.  Sure, I think that we have lots to celebrate in Australia without adopting other people's festivals, but that's not the real reason I feel uncomfortable about Hallowe'en. 

And it's nothing to do with religion and witches, either.  I'm not that straight-laced.

It's the modelling that worries me.  It's the behavioural undertones, and the hypocrisy of bad behaviour being amusing and acceptable for one day of the year and criminal for the rest. 

Let's take a look at the behaviour that's put up as okay at Hallowe'en, and see how it stands up for the rest of the year.

Naming your baby: it's not about you!

My son went to school with a boy named Richard Head.  If you can't see a problem with that choice of name, you'd better stop reading now, because there's no hope for you and your poor baby may well end up with a name that becomes a life-long burden.

If, on the other hand, you winced or had a guilty giggle at the very thought of a child called Dick Head, read on...

Prejudice in preschoolers: talking about different types of families

Children can be very cruel.  Even at 4 years of age, children notice and comment on differences- sometimes innocently but occasionally with intent to bruise. Whether it's a man on the street who 'walks funny' or a peer with a different family structure, children who are seeking a position at the top of the kids' pecking order will often see this 'oddity' as an opportunity for misguided sport.

It's particularly difficult to explain sexual preferences to a young child.  One year I had contact with a preschool group which contained two children with alternate family structures- one with lesbian parents and one with a transsexual parent- and the same group was rich with alpha male children who decided to use these children's differences for target practice.

Help! My child is being bullied!

This is a long post, but it's an important subject, so bear with me!

Bullying isn't just about dreadful tabloid news reports of teenagers doing themselves harm.  It occurs at all levels of our society, from day care to the office.  It's a fact of life.  Stopping it from ever happening is impossible.  The best we can do is to arm ourselves and our children with a strong sense of self and good information on what to do if it happens to them.

Believe me, I feel your pain. I suffered at the hands of bullies at three different stages of my schooling, for no other reason than that I was a quiet, pretty, talented child who was a constant 'teacher's pet' without even trying. And my son was tormented and finally physically attacked in primary school by a child who seemed to take his advanced vocabulary as a personal affront. I wish I'd known then what I'm telling you now, but back then I was much younger, much busier and much less experienced. 

My son and I both survived, mostly because we both have a very strong sense of self-worth. You can build that strength into your child, too.