Good NIGHT!!!- all about sleeping, at all ages

Oh, the joys of a baby who wakes every hour, a child who won't go to bed or won't sleep once he gets there, and a teenager who has to be prised out of bed with a crowbar every morning.   Your child's sleep patterns can be one of the most soul-destroying parts of parenthood.

I was sleep-deprived for about six years after I had my son.  He came out of the labour ward with his eyes open, and from that moment on he needed less sleep than I did (and complained vigorously and ear-splittingly the moment I tried to put him to bed to snatch a moment's rest myself). So as you prop your eyelids up with matchsticks to read this column, rest assured that I Feel Your Pain.

How did I cope with a child who didn't need to sleep much? (Yes, I'm still here, and some even think I'm still relatively sane.)

When he was a tiny baby, his bassinet was right next to the bed in my room, so I could get him out and feed him without falling over anything or stubbing my toe in a sleep-deprived stupor- I was a zombie. I often fell asleep while feeding him.  The fact that I never accidentally smothered him by rolling on him at these times is largely due to the facts that I didn't drink alcohol in the evenings in the first few months, I wasn't on any other artificial relaxants like Valium and I was a light sleeper anyway. 

Sleeping with your baby in the bed can be fraught with danger, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they were in a situation- as I was- where it was simply the only way to remain sane, in which case you definitely must cut out the drugs and alcohol (and avoid very soft mattresses). But sleeping with your baby in the room with you is common sense.  Being woken over and over when you're exhausted is a recognised form of torture, and it's really no wonder that some mothers snap- why not make it easier on yourself by having your baby close by? Stubbed toes in a freezing hallway at 2am, falling over your dressing gown cord and dropping the baby- nah, not my idea of fun.

This was also a practical arrangement because I fed on demand, and it seemed that 'on demand' meant 'as often as possible' to him. I can't comprehend the concept of feeding tiny babies on an artificial schedule- newborns don't manipulate people; they're crying to tell us they're uncomfortable- hungry, wet, ill, bored, cold, tired (I wish!)... and if we ignore their first communication with us, that's a terrible way to start a relationship with another human being.  To respond to him promptly every time he cried, I simply had to have him next to me.  So my first piece of advice to you is to forget the concept of a 'nursery' until your baby settles into a sleep routine.

During the day when everything got too much for Zombie-mum, I'd put him in the car (where he ALWAYS went to sleep) and drive to my parents' place. He'd wake up the moment the car stopped and howl- and I'd go have a sleep while my parents looked after him.  You really need those support mechanisms if you have a non-sleeping baby.  No willing friends or relatives? You need to ring Tressillian or Karitane before you do that baby some harm.  Nobody will look down on you; LOTS of mums are in the same boat.  Handing a baby around to some trusted alternative carers is good for baby, too.  They learn that they are safe with people other than mum and dad, and that can help when it comes time to put them in childcare or school. 

When my son graduated to a cot, things became tricky again. He walked at 11 months and was awake till all hours of the night- he didn't NEED much sleep- so a long period of constantly returning him to his room started. 

My sanity was saved on this occasion by Dr Christopher Green's brilliant book, 'Toddler Taming'. It's out of fashion these days, but I would still recommend it in certain circumstances like mine.  I learned his technique of controlled crying at a point where I really was losing the plot, and where my son already had excellent receptive language skills.  Without it, I may have become a danger to my child.

In a nutshell, controlled crying is a system of letting your child cry for longer and longer periods until he realises he's not getting any positive gain and gives up.  It sounds cruel when you put it like that. I know that there's a feeling out there these days that leaving a child to cry is always neglectful. Back then I clutched at it like a drowning woman, simply because I was desperate. 

Before we go any further, research has shown that there ARE some situations where controlled crying won't work and shouldn't be used.  Children who have poor receptive language skills (ie can't understand or process what you say to them), children who you have ANY reason to suspect might be on the autism spectrum, tiny infants- these children can't be comforted by words alone. KNOW YOUR CHILD. If your child can't yet respond to your verbal cues, don't use controlled crying with them. If you can't reassure your child from across the room during the day, you certainly won't be able to do it at night.

So, assuming that you KNOW your child can respond to you appropriately when you speak without touching him or her, how would you implement controlled crying? Before you start, you make sure that your child is comfortable and has everything he needs.  The story is read, the room is the right temperature, the night light is on, the PJs aren't twisted, the nappy is dry, he doesn't look ill, he's had big cuddles and kisses and a glass of milk or water... all those positives are present when you start.  You are his loving mum or dad. You're about to help him learn that he CAN self-settle, and that's a very important self-help skill- he NEEDS to learn this.

If your baby is anything like my son, he'll start to cry the moment you say good night and let go of his hand- forget even getting yourself out of the room! The trick is NOT TO REWARD CRYING when he doesn't actually need anything else from you.  Begging for another kiss or cuddle is just playing for time, and it won't be the last request for the same thing- you KNOW that.  So even if he cries, you remove yourself from his vice-like grip and say something reassuring like 'I know you're sad, but it's night time now and it's time to go to sleep.  I love you, good night.' And leave without further cuddles.

If- like my son- he's already very mobile and can open the door, you need a snib on the door so he can't get out of bed and follow you to the living room (where you are probably pouring a stiff drink to help you handle the rest of the evening's shenanigans). Look around his room. It's probably like Paradise. It's okay to keep him in there. You'd put a snib on his door to keep a cat from sleeping on his face, wouldn't you? It is NOT a prison cell in there.  It's a safe, comfy, familiar environment.  (I would also not advocate starting a controlled crying regime away from home- it's likely your child is feeling unsettled by the change, so is genuinely upset and will become more so by being left alone in a strange room.)

CONTROLLED CRYING WILL MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE HITLER THE FIRST TIME. You are NOT Hitler.  You are a good mother or father who's in danger of becoming a bad mother or father due to sleep-deprivation-based zombie-insanity.  You will feel WONDERFUL the first time your child settles himself, believe me, so put the champagne on ice now as an incentive. Your child is okay (you made sure of that before, remember?), you've acknowledged that he feels sad, you've drawn the boundary of 'today is over' and now he needs to accept that and go to sleep. 

What on earth is anyone going to gain if he stays up?  Is it good for him?  Is it good for you?  You are teaching him to settle himself.  Do you want him to still be in your bed when he's five?

Seriously, I had the mother of a 5-yr-old (who was about to start school) proudly tell me that her son had slept in his own bed last night... I shudder to think what her relationship with her husband had become, and it explained a lot about a child who constantly tested every boundary, sulked when he didn't get his own way and cried like a 3-year-old when anything went wrong at preschool.  At some stage your child has to learn self-settling.

The first time you leave, set the kitchen timer for one minute.  It will be the longest minute of your life, and you're already fragile from lack of sleep- you will probably cry. But don't go back to your child until that timer goes off.

(EXCEPTION ALERT- know your child!!- if the pitch of your child's crying suddenly changes dramatically, go check on him or her in case there's a physical problem. Sudden silence or sudden extreme escalation is not a good sign. Please use common sense. Children's crying has different urgency levels and you need to be able to recognise a switch of level.)

When you go back, wipe your eyes first! Then use the reassuring words again FROM THE DOORWAY but DON'T give another kiss or cuddle- you already did that- it will make the whole process longer, and do you want to have a tearful curtain call of the whole routine every night??  Just put him back in bed if he's got out- remember, no extra kisses and cuddles!- and remind him that he's safe, you love him and it's sleep time now. Leave again, and set the timer for two minutes.

Keep repeating this, gradually increasing the time by one minute between each visit.  Remember, DON'T kiss, cuddle or do anything but return him to bed and reassure him with words from the doorway- you have to cut out all the positive effects of him crying. Try to control your own tears as well- it will be hard!- you need to be enough in control to be able to reassure him calmly that all's well, but it's simply time for sleep. Your partner can take turns going to the door and delivering the message if he or she understands the method and wants to give you a break. Your child IS safe- you're telling the truth here! He's just crying because he doesn't understand the need to let go of today's fun and rest his body, because he wants to go on playing (even though he's probably got to the stage of throwing toys in frustration), because he wants your complete attention all the time (he still thinks he's the centre of the universe- he isn't!) or because he's simply overtired, and he thinks being with you will fix all those problems (IT WON'T). 

If you let him up again he might be cute and cuddly for short time, but he will become an outrageous little over-tired monster again within minutes; you're only delaying facing that monster, and it will be a much worse monster who's learnt that if he cries enough, you'll give in. DON'T GIVE IN.

You might have to keep this up for well over an hour the first night. BE STRONG.  Remember, if you weaken you'll teach him that you WILL give in if he keeps crying.  Do you want him to learn that lesson??

Controlled crying WORKS with children who have adequate receptive language skills, and your child will NOT end up with an insecurity complex- he's perfectly safe in there and at some level he knows it.  You've been positive and loving at all times, but you've also set an important boundary. 

Eventually he WILL stop crying, and you should notice that this happens through a gradual decrease in intensity rather than suddenly.  Don't rush in... listen first, then peek slyly, or you may set the whole thing off again! The first time I did this routine, the deathly silence indicated that my son had fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion.  The second night (yes, you will need to do it each night till he self-settles) he eventually started talking to himself instead of crying and played with one of his toys for a while, then went to sleep on the rug.  The third night.... oh my goodness... he didn't cry when I left, he just started playing quietly by himself in his room... and took himself to bed when he was ready. Miracle!  It might take you longer than that- or not.

As children get older, things should settle down for a while- unless you're lucky (!) enough to score one of those very bright children who don't need much sleep.  Give them a good bed lamp and a great library of books, and go to bed yourself.  No point trying to keep up with kids like that!  Their brains are going way too fast to settle at 7 or 8pm, so don't expect it.  All the hot milks and warm baths in the world won't make a damn of difference, so relax.

My poor mother took my very bright brother to the doctor when he was young, because she was concerned at how little he was sleeping- midnight was his usual bedtime. The doctor gave her a sedative for him, and after taking it he stayed awake literally all night.  My mother would have done better to take the sedative herself and leave my brother to his books.  If you have a bright, wakeful child, the most constructive thing you can do is to snib that door so he can't start wandering around the house and playing with the kitchen knives if you fall asleep first. Your safety precautions become even more important than usual.

Teenagers are a completely different kettle of fish.  After all those years of  being woken by someone jumping on your stomach at 5am, suddenly you can't get them out of bed to go to school! Recent research has shown that this isn't actually bloody-mindedness- it's part of their normal development.  Don't expect a cheerful, wide-awake teenager in the morning, and you won't set yourself up for failure, because if you're lucky enough to get one of those it's sheer blind luck.  Let the poor kid sleep in whenever it's practical.  IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT, it's their circadian rhythms doing their adolescent thing.  Bring them a cup of coffee (or whatever they drink in the morning) in bed if you do have to get them up, and you stand much more chance of a civilised beginning to the day.

So I guess my message is one of keeping your sanity by any method possible in the early years, and tolerance in the later ones.  Children will usually sleep when they need to, unless they're sick or upset about something specific; the exception is those terrible toddler years, and then you've got controlled crying to help you if you're desperate.  Please don't be scared to try it- it does work.